Drivethrough
by Cezille07
Summary: Eric teaches Kyle how to drive. Supposedly.


**Summary** \- Eric teaches Kyle how to drive. Supposedly.

 **Disclaimer** \- South Park, and all its characters and trademarks, belong to Comedy Central.

 **~o0O0o~**

 **Drivethrough**  
 _Cezille07_

"You're not teaching me anything!"

"I gave you the damn handbook for it!"

"I asked you to teach me and you give me a handbook! You're lazier than an underpaid college professor who only gives his class slideshows that summarize the book!"

"Now, now, let's not discredit the hardworking men and women who have devoted their lives to giving the youth a future."

"You don't _care_ about that, you're only justifying your behavior!"

"Yep."

Kyle fumed loudly behind the wheel for some minutes while Cartman watched him, amused, from the passenger seat.

"When you're done being uselessly angry," Eric said nonchalantly, allowing a moment for Kyle to drop his outburst, "You can start the engine and get this baby going."

Kyle pursed his lips, but the stream of complaints of "You're fucking useless" and "What a stupid idea this was" didn't quite die down. However, he stared ahead of him and studied the impressive dashboard inside Cartman's secondhand SUV and released a long, defeated sigh. "Okay. So I put the key in first, and then..."

"Then you wait a moment for the engine to warm up." Eric pointed at the lights the blinked into life when the key was turned in its place. He grinned triumphantly when he saw that Kyle was listening to him now. "That's the sign for the headlights, gas levels. There's a speedometer, and your average speed which is zero right now. Some of these other lights are off; they're warnings for when there's a problem with the tire pressure, battery, or the door is open."

"Okay, the symbols look pretty self-explanatory enough," Kyle mumbled.

"Yeah, so you just have to pay attention when one of them are on. Now, one of your hands will always have to be on the wheel, and your other controls the wheel, gear selector, and the handbrakes."

"Yes, yes I know that. Is this warmed up enough? Let's just get this over with."

"One last warning," Eric said darkly. Kyle groaned impatiently. Eric went on, "One scratch on my car and you're a dead Jew!"

"I'm not going to hurt your _precious_ car! Just tell me what to do!"

"Left is brakes, right is gas. Gently, like you're giving your grandma a sponge bath. Ready?"

"What the fuck kind of analogy is that?" Suppressing a laugh, Kyle experimentally pressed softly on the gas pedal and the vehicle lurched in place.

"STOP WAIT FUCK," cried Eric. "Look at what gear you're on!"

"It's in N for Normal!"

"N is for NEUTRAL! You're supposed to be the smart one here! Jesus! Switch to D for Drive!"

Ten minutes later, Kyle had managed to bring out the car onto the quiet main street of South Park, and with Eric's anxious guidance they made a few rounds around town. When Kyle's grip on the wheel loosened and he had mastered choosing the appropriate gears for the road he faced currently, Eric pointed them toward the highway leading out of town.

"Aren't we done for the day? I got a lot of things down," Kyle asked, slowing before they reached the exit.

"Nah we get one last stop," Eric said excitedly.

"Tomorrow? Please, I need a break. My legs are killing me."

"Do it or I'm not teaching you anymore!"

"Now we're back to threats? Fine, but I'm never asking you any favors from now on."

They were now following a yellow sports car that swerved all over the highway as if he were showing off his expensive ride.

Kyle, in a flare of indignation, went tail to tail with the arrogant asshole and honked loudly.

Eric snickered, but said nothing, content to watch the redhead unleash his pent-up frustration so far into overtaking the wild driver in front of them.

"Is this the fastest we could go?"

"I'd tell you no, but our exit is within two miles, so yes."

 **~o0O0o~**

"Next week, we'll handle parking without disturbing any garbage bins..."

"I'm not going with you next week! I almost died when we went backward to park."

"Maneuvering into and out of parking is just a skill you'll have to learn," chuckled Eric.

"But Cartman," groaned Kyle. Now they were walking leisurely in a wide street surrounded by thin wispy trees and some people rushing about. When Kyle looked up at the perfect sunny sky, he was able to relax a little.

"We're here!"

They stopped in front of a small McDonald's at the corner. It was a quaint McCafe. Eric ran ahead inside and was ordering when Kyle caught up.

"...And one extra-giant fries," Cartman finished. He then faced Kyle and indicated the cashier who was now waiting for the payment.

Kyle wanted to hit his head on a wall. "Is this what I owe you for the goddamn lesson?" He forked out some bills and waited on the side with Cartman, who was watching the kitchen crew prepare the order. Few other people were present at the moment; two families on separate tables, both with small children; an elderly couple; some men in business suits who were in a rush to finish their meal before work.

Finally their order was complete, and Cartman indicated for Kyle to carry their two trays to a vacant table.

Kyle grumbled, but he did so anyway. "We could've gone to a drive-thru. And why here? We have a McDonald's in our mall."

"It's quieter, and they have the extra-giant fries on the menu," Eric said as he bit into his double quarter pounder with cheese.

Kyle took a fry and munched on it. The extra-giant fries filled an entire tray, while the rest of the order took up the second. Kyle decided he'd take it upon himself to consume these fries to save Cartman an extra heart attack.

 **~o0O0o~**

The next weekend proceeded in the same manner, and two more weekends after that: a short driving lesson, fighting every two minutes, and nice breakfast one city away. For three hours every Saturday, Cartman had Kyle in a small space that was his, and he could rip on the Jew all he liked, and Kyle had no choice but to sit through it.

It was inconceivable to Kyle that that was Eric's little scheme to own him for some segment of the week, until Kenny and Stan told him about it.

"How was your date?" Kenny jokingly asked the following Monday.

Kyle felt himself turn green, and Stan laughed at him for it. "I should really just ask my mom to enroll me in a decent driving school," Kyle said as he slumped into his desk.

 **END.**


End file.
